An old Jewish man is hit by a car. As he lies in the road, dazed and bleeding, a woman rushes over, takes off her jacket, folds it, and puts it under his head.
“Are you comfortable?” she asks. “Meh. I make a living.”
Jewish Comedians
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days:
Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason,
Woody Allen, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny Mansel Rubenstein
and so many others.
There was not one single swear word in their comedy.
Here are a few examples:
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.
"Give me the box of matches”, says one "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens."
He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when out of the blue, a little green Martian appears waving all six of his arms and yelling..."No, no, don't!"
The two guys look at each other, worried.
Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, he takes another match...and? A crowd of hysterical green Martians is coming to them, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!"
One of the astronauts says, "This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars." So he strikes a match--which flames up, burns down, and NOTHING HAPPENS!!
He turns to the Martians and asks, "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?"
The leader of the Martians says, "It's Shabbos."
Jewish Humor - A History from My Jewish Learning
A lady hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car, and found that she had locked her keys inside. She found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, but she didn’t know how to use it to open the door. She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man wearing an old biker skull rag. He asked if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car, and I must get home. Please, can you use this coat hanger to open my car door?"
He said, “Sure.” He walked over to her car and, in less than 2 minutes, had the door open. She hugged the man and, through tears, softly said, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a nice man.” The man heard her little prayer and said, “Lady, I’m not a nice man. I just got out of prison. I was in for auto theft.” The woman hugged him again and sobbed, “Thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!”
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and lay on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
Now, that's a businessman!
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a
little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not
want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about
two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold
water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said........"Your
brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Old Jewish Man’s Wisdom About Praying
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall"
The Rabbi's Retirement Speech...
A Rabbi was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the congregation. A leading local figure, politician, and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Rabbi decided to say his own few words while they waited:
I got my first impression of the congregation from the first counseling session I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my counsel told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17-year old daughter; taken illegal drugs; had several affairs; was arrested for public nudity and gave a STD (sexual transmitted disease) to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine congregation full of good and loving people.
Just as the Rabbi finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: "I'll never forget the first day our Rabbi arrived", said the politician. "in fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for counsuling."
Moral: NEVER, Never, Never... Be Late.
A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?"
God replied, “I didn’t recognize you!”
What is Jewish Humor - 8/7/17
An old Jewish lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $450.00 is the 'standard rate,' so she insisted on speaking to the manager. The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, informed the woman, "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.
No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes’ discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him. The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.
"Well, too bad. I was here and you could have."
A teacher known for her fanatical Christianity asked her students to name the greatest man who ever walked the face of the earth the one with the correct answer would win $10.
"Christopher Columbus," answered a little Italian boy. "Saint Patrick," replied an Irish kid.
"I'm sorry but you're both wrong," said the teacher. Finally a Jewish boy said "Jesus Christ." Shocked that the youth had given the correct answer teacher asked the boy to come up to her desk so that he could explain his response "Why did you pick Jesus Christ when you obviously don't believe in him?" she inquired. "Actually I think Moses was the greatest man who ever walked the face the earth," the Jewish boy replied smugly, "but after all business is business."
There was once a little Jewish boy who for the life of him was terrible at math. His parents had tried everything and nothing seemed to be working, so as their last resort they decided to send him to the local Catholic school because it had the best math program in the area. The first day, and every day after, the little boy came home and went straight upstairs and did all his homework. When they finally received his report card he had straight A's. They were baffled an very curious about what the school did that worked so well, so they asked him "Son, what did this school do differently that helped you learn so well" the son replied "Well, "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!" "
A New Yorker editor picks 7 of his favorite Jewish cartoons.
The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."
"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
Jewbilation (n..) Pride in finding out that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.
Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat
Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)
Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
Deja Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.
Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make..
Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"
Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving to Florida and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.
Rosh Hashana-na-na ( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn .
Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John , Curtis, Davis or Taylor.
Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.
Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.
Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
Impasta ( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.
Schmuckluck20 (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork
Gertie, the shul gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the shul’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several
members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Gertie’s house, walked home, and left it there all night.
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married..
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
Can I get an AMEN?!
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How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it. THE JEWISH SAMURAI Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- HOW TO START A FIGHT My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed. I took my wife to a restaurant. My wife at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits. My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror. I rear-ended a car this morning . . .. JEWISH MOTHER Moshe, a Jewish man is sitting in Starbucks reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his walks in and notices this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approaches and says: 'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?' Moshe replies, 'I used to read the Jewish newspapers, but what did I find? I got so depressed. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? The news is so much better!
I don't know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low... even with the shipping from Israel! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as: 2) You hear 'Hava Nagila' during startup. 3) The cursor moves from right to left. 4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, 'Is this the best you can do?' 5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, 'If your mother knew you did this, she would die.' 6) It comes with a 'kosher monitor cleaning solution' from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the 'schmutz und drek.' 7) When running 'Scan Disk' it prompts you with a 'You want I should fix this?' message. 8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, 'Schloffen.' 9) The PC shuts down at sundown on Friday evenings. 10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games). 11) Instead of getting a 'General Protection Fault' error, your PC now gets 'Ferklempt.' 12) The multimedia player has been renamed to 'Nu, so play my music already!' 13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud 'Oy Gevalt!' 14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup. 15) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to 'Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus.' 16) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM!! ZEI GEZUNT!! THE BEST GIFT After having the box checked for safety reasons, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu opened the box and saw that the content was human feces. He opened the note, handwritten in Arabic by Mr. Mashal, which said, "For you and the proud people of the Zionist Entity." Mr. Netanyahu, literate in Arabic, pondered the note and decided how best to reciprocate. He quickly did so by sending the Hamas leader a very pretty package with a personal note. Mr. Mashal and the other leaders of Hamas were very surprised to receive the parcel and opened it very carefully suspecting that it might contain a bomb. But to their surprise they saw that it contained a tiny computer chip The chip was rechargeable with solar energy, had a 1.8 terabyte memory and could output a 3D hologram display capable of functioning in any type of cellular phone, tablet or laptop. It was one of the world's most advanced technologies, with a tiny label, "Invented and produced in Israel." Mr. Netanyahu's note, personally handwritten in Arabic, Hebrew, French, and English, stated very courteously... "Every leader gives the best his people can produce." Moishe goes into a police station to report that his wife Rebecca is missing. Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations. Theirs will be first on the schedule. The older boy leans over and asks, The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid." The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?" The first boy says, "Circumcision." "Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish man is sitting between them. The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger." The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's." They both look down at the little old Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres." Roger looks down at him and says, "300 Acres? What do you raise?" "Nothing," says Irving. "Well then, what do you call it?" asked John. "Downtown Dallas ". Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the Congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!" Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi." The rabbi questioned: "Then how come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?" Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the Secret Service." Rabbi approaches a guest in Shul and says, "I'd like to give you an Aliyah.(blessing)What is your name?" The man answers, "Esther ben Moshe." The Rabbi says, "No, I need YOUR name." It's Esther ben Moshe," the man says. "How can that be your name?" asks the Rabbi. The man answers, "I've been having financial problems, so everything now is in my wife's name." Two little old ladies were attending a rather long Shul service. One leaned over and whispered, "My tuchas is going to sleep. " I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times. Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting-room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and emerged within half an hour walking completely erect, with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle. . . he gave me a longer cane." The Italian says, "I'm thirsty. I must have wine." The Frenchman says, "I'm thirsty. I must have cognac." The Russian says, "I'm thirsty. I must have vodka." The German says, "I'm thirsty. I must have beer." The Mexican says, "I'm thirsty. I must have tequila." The Jewish man says, "I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes." A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer." Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?" "A check," replied the guide. Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last. Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge, Mass. and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River , where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice. After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. "Well, I figured out their secret," he announces. "What? Tell us! Tell us!" his teammates shout. "We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row." All of our generation were HOME SCHOOLED in many 2. My mother taught me 3. My father taught me about TIME 4. My father taught me 5. My mother taught me MORE 6. My mother taught me 7. My father taught me 8. My mother taught me about the 9. My mother taught me about 10. My mother taught me about 11. My mother taught me about 12. My mother taught me about 13. My father taught me the CIRCLE 14.. My mother taught me about 15. My mother taught me about 16. My mother taught me about 17. My mother taught me about 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL 19. My mother taught me 20. My father taught me 21. My mother taught me HOW TO 22. My mother taught me 23. My mother taught me about my 24. My mother taught me A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, A cabbie picks up a Nun......She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' The cab driver is very excited and says, But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "A Jewish guy was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. And behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 people walking in single file. While on vacation in Rome , I noticed a marble column in St. Peter's with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, I asked what the telephone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if I'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer. Throughout Italy, I kept seeing the same golden telephones on marble columns. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same: It was a direct line to heaven and I could call for a thousand dollars. Then - I continued my tour and arrived in Israel. I decided to attend temple services at a local synagogue. As I walked in the door I noticed the same golden telephone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN: 25 cents." "Rabbi," I said, "I have just been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this telephone is only 25 cents?" The rabbi smiled and said, "You're in Israel now...It's a local call." A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave . The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered "There must be some mistake." "No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes." Israeli Dog and Arab Dog The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish Two Jewish women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business! The Pope & The Rabbi Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition, but, there is one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after a new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. A new Pope's reign was shortly followed by a new Chief Rabbi. He was intrigued by this ritual and that its origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, the Pope called him back. "My brother," the Pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?" The Chief Rabbi shrugged and replied: "We have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history." The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agreed. Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock — It was a bill for the Last Supper — from "Moishe the Caterer." One day in the Bakery... A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything!" The Jew says to the Arab, "I am going to show you there is nobody better than a Jew." He goes to the owner and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.'' Intrigued, the owner accepts and give him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and ask for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for another one and swallows it. The owner is starting to wonder what the magic trick is and says, "What is the trick, Where are the pastries? The Jew answers, "Look in the Arab's pocket." Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome , Italy . One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days - Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You may have only heard of them, but don't we all miss their kind of humor? Not a single swear word in their comic routines: * A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living." * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. * I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me! * Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea . * My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried. * My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. * The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!" * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" * A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!" * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. " The drunk says,"Okay, let's get started." *Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. * Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. *The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school. Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink? *Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? *Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? *A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? " The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call." *A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it. *A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat. A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?" Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied. Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised? Harry Leichter's Catalog of Jewish Humor
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor.. So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much he owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?" Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses. A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?" "Certainly," replied Jesus "Jesus & Finkelstein it is." "Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions. "Outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, "Vell," said Moishe Epstein, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da foist The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good. The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweiler’s in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast. When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long! Everyone at the dog fight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute. As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Arab dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground. The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise. The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweiler’s and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!" The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage? Q: What business is a yenta in? Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for dinner? Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long? Q: Define "genius" Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be? Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman? Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave." One of life's mysteries - how a 2 Ib. box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 lbs. Another of life's mysteries is when a Jewish woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes! The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing; then they marry him. NEW YIDDISH WORDS Jewbilation Torahfied Matzilation Bubbegum Chutzpapa Deja Nu Disoriyenta Hebort Jewdo Mamatzah Balls Meinstein Mishpochadots Re-shtetlement Rosh Hashana-na-na Yidentify Minyastics Feelawful Dis-kvellified Impasta Kinders Shlep Shofarsogut Trayffic Accident
A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, “Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?” The wise old Rabbi answers, “Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one. ------------------------------------------------------------- If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong? ------------------------------------------------------------ My father says, “Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family.” I said, “Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I’m a schmuck?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- Jewish Marriage advice: “Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?” -------------------------------------------------------- The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine." The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac." The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka." The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer." The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila." The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes." --------------------------------------------------------- A Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honours its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed. She greets the Rabbi with, “Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the President of the shul arranged for you.” The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the shul and shouts, “Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this.” Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and asks, “Where are you going? I’m not angry with you.” A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem. The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebonics, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture. According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish. Professor Shulman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated. Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress." Shulman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks." Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebonics: Question: "What time is it?" Remark: "I hope things turn out okay." Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready." Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time." Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged." Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?" To the guest of honor at a birthday party: Remark: "A beautiful day." Answering a phone call from a son: Email, shmemail! Luck and happiness will or will not come to you regardless if you send it to another eight people
The Jewish Taxi Driver A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from". She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?" He said, "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?" Mrs. Goldberg comes to visit her son Marvin for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. Reading his mom's thoughts, Marvin volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Maria came to Marvin saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear MaMa, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son Marvin Several days later, Marvin received a response email from his MaMa which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Your Loving MaMa I don't know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low... even with the shipping from Israel ! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as: 1) The 'Start' button has been replaced with a 'Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!' button. 2) You hear 'Hava Nagila' during startup. 3) The cursor moves from right to left. 4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, 'Is this the best you can do?' 5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, 'If your mother knew you did this, she would die.' 10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games). 11) Instead of getting a 'General Protection Fault' error, your PC now gets 'Ferklempt.' 12) The multimedia player has been renamed to 'Nu, so play my music already!' 13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud 'Oy Gevalt!' 14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup. 15) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to 'Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus.' 16) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours. 17) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM... A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter." When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor, I ask the cooks." He returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews." Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I check once again, Senor." While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere." The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is no Mexican Jews." Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews." The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE... All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews!" ISRAELI HUMOR: An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile. A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, "What a good opportunity to have a bath!" Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them! The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then." The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech. Israel belongs to us." On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta , GA , a well Why Go to Synagogue? The Picnic A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. The Usher Show and Tell
The Best Way To Pray A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh? The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?" Personal Ads Israeli Newspapers Shmuel Gabbai , 36. A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? "Morris Feinberg," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a f****** wall." Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow He answers, "Madam . if you farted just looking at it - you're going For 30 years every day old Moishe ate at "Abe's Kosher Delicatessen". Old Moishe was an honoured guest and had his own reserved stool at the counter. He was loved by everyone and was generous to all the servers and staff. Abe, the owner loved Moishe too. One day Moishe didn't show at his regular time. Abe was worried a bit as he realized Old Moishe was a widower and lived alone but then got busy and forgot about Moishe's absence. The next day...no Moishe....now Abe was worried... he phoned Moishe's number and got no answer. He even called a few local hospitals and even called Moishe's daughter in Israel to no avail. Abe couldn't sleep that night wondering what had happened. Next day again no Moishe! Now Abe was really concerned and just as he was about to call the cops and 911 he glanced out the window and saw Moishe going into "Goldberg's Deli" across the street. Abe took off out the door and raced across the street narrowly missing getting hit by a bus and confronted Moishe just as he was sitting down. Abe screamed, "where the hell have you been! I lost sleep and spent good money phoning around about you and what are you doing here at Goldberg's.....you know he's my worst enemy! Explain to me Moishe!!!!!" The dentist gave me some pills and said:
Morris (the father) says to his son: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice." His son immediately replies: "I will choose my own bride, father." Morris sighs: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter." The son thinks about this only for a split second -then answers: "Well, in that case, yes! OK Dad." Morris then approaches Bill Gates and says: "I have a husband for your lovely daughter." Bill Gates quickly answers: "No chance! My daughter is too young to get married!" Morris says: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates thinks for a while then answers: "Ah well, in that case, yes, that'll be OK with me." Finally Morris goes to see the president of the World Bank. Morris smiles and says: "I have a young man to recommend as a vice-president." The president hurriedly answers: "Not interested, I already have more vice-presidents than I need." Morris continues smiling: "But . . . this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law." A few seconds pass then the World Bank President answers: "Ah that's interesting, Hmmm .... in that case, well yes, he can start tomorrow." . .. . .And that is how successful Jews do business. THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL 1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana. WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE The Italian - throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage. The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee. The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee. The Russian - Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge. The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee. The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian.---
So a man goes to the rabbi and says, "I think my wife is trying to poison me." The Rabbi says,"Let me talk to her." The next day he goes back to the Rabbi. The man says, "So new" The Rabbi replies, " I spoke to her for 3 hours, Take the poison!"
The Shapiro's, a Jewish couple living in New England, won twenty million dollars in the Lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in The Hamptons and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to New Years brunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four. The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes".
The old Jewish Catskill comics of vaudeville days, (e.g., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others) never uttered one single swear word in their comedy. Some samples: There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out. A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic asks, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the e doctor gave him another six months. The doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!" A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 until payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that "Won Ton" spelled backward is "NOT NOW". There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes." Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdales. A man called his mother in Florida: "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody." Short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat." Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. |
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