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Jewish Life

What is Jewish Humor - 8/7/17

An old Jewish lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00.     

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $450.00 is the 'standard rate,' so she insisted on speaking to the manager.    The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, informed the woman, "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use. 

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said. 

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied. 

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the manager countered with his standard response. 

After several minutes’ discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him.  The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00." 

"That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. 

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.

"Well, too bad. I was here and you could have."

A teacher known for her fanatical Christianity asked her students to name the greatest man who ever walked the face of the earth the one with the correct answer would win $10.

"Christopher Columbus," answered a little Italian boy. "Saint Patrick," replied an Irish kid.

"I'm sorry but you're both wrong," said the teacher. Finally a Jewish boy said "Jesus Christ." Shocked that the youth had given the correct answer teacher asked the boy to come up to her desk so that he could explain his response "Why did you pick Jesus Christ when you obviously don't believe in him?" she inquired. "Actually I think Moses was the greatest man who ever walked the face the earth," the Jewish boy replied smugly, "but after all business is business."

There was once a little Jewish boy who for the life of him was terrible at math. His parents had tried everything and nothing seemed to be working, so as their last resort they decided to send him to the local Catholic school because it had the best math program in the area. The first day, and every day after, the little boy came home and went straight upstairs and did all his homework. When they finally received his report card he had straight A's. They were baffled an very curious about what the school did that worked so well, so they asked him "Son, what did this school do differently that helped you learn so well" the son replied "Well, "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!" "

A New Yorker editor picks 7 of his favorite Jewish cartoons.

The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."

"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...
And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

Jewbilation (n..) Pride in finding out that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat
Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

Deja Nu ( n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make..

Meinstein - slang. "My son, the genius!"

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement (n.) Moving to Florida and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na ( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn .

Yidentify (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John , Curtis, Davis or Taylor.

Minyastics (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.
Feelawful (n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

Impasta ( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

Kinders Shlep (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Schmuckluck20 (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

Shofarsogut (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork

Gertie, the shul gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the shul’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several
members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Gertie’s house, walked home, and left it there all night.

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married..
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

Can I get an AMEN?!

 


How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

THE JEWISH SAMURAI
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun
advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three
applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and
released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor,
neatly divided in two! "What a feat!" said he Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what
you do."The Chinese Samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened
a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish!*
*Swish! the fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. 'How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?" The Jewish Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.
But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead?" replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy... but circumcised?"

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

-------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man.
He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Hanukkah gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Lots of dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
That's when the fight began . . ..
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning . . ..
the start of a really bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started

JEWISH MOTHER


The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?'

Susan replies, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York.'

'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do’.

Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor’.


JEWISH MOTHER part II

Jacob excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.' The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while.

He then says, 'Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?'

Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right. '

'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know? '

Mama replies: 'I don't like her.
'

Moshe, a Jewish man is sitting in Starbucks reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his walks in and notices this strange phenomenon.

Very upset, he approaches and says: 'Moshe, have you lost your mind?

Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?'

Moshe replies, 'I used to read the Jewish newspapers, but what did I find?
- Jews being persecuted,
- Israel being attacked,
- Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage,
- Jews living in poverty.

I got so depressed. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find?
+ Jews own all the banks,
+ Jews control the media,
+ Jews are all rich and powerful,
+ Jews rule the world.

The news is so much better!

I don't know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low... even with the shipping from Israel! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:
1) The 'Start' button has been replaced with a 'Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!' button.

2) You hear 'Hava Nagila' during startup.

3) The cursor moves from right to left.

4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, 'Is this the best you can do?'

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, 'If your mother knew you did this, she would die.'

6) It comes with a 'kosher monitor cleaning solution' from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the 'schmutz und drek.'

7) When running 'Scan Disk' it prompts you with a 'You want I should fix this?' message.

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, 'Schloffen.'

9) The PC shuts down at sundown on Friday evenings.

10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

11) Instead of getting a 'General Protection Fault' error, your PC now gets 'Ferklempt.'

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to 'Nu, so play my music already!'

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud 'Oy Gevalt!'

14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.

15) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to 'Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus.'

16) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM!!

ZEI GEZUNT!!

THE BEST GIFT

During a recent cease-fire, the leader of the Palestinian terrorist organization Hamas, Khaled Mashal, sent a gift to the Prime Minister of Israel, Benjamin Netanyahu, in an elaborate box with a note.

After having the box checked for safety reasons, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu opened the box and saw that the content was human feces.

He opened the note, handwritten in Arabic by Mr. Mashal, which said, "For you and the proud people of the Zionist Entity."

Mr. Netanyahu, literate in Arabic, pondered the note and decided how best to reciprocate.

He quickly did so by sending the Hamas leader a very pretty package with a personal note.

Mr. Mashal and the other leaders of Hamas were very surprised to receive the parcel and opened it very carefully suspecting that it might contain a bomb.

But to their surprise they saw that it contained a tiny computer chip

The chip was rechargeable with solar energy, had a 1.8 terabyte memory and could output a 3D hologram display capable of functioning in any type of cellular phone, tablet or laptop.

It was one of the world's most advanced technologies, with a tiny label, "Invented and produced in Israel."

Mr. Netanyahu's note, personally handwritten in Arabic, Hebrew, French, and English, stated very courteously...

"Every leader gives the best his people can produce."

Moishe goes into a police station to report that his wife Rebecca is missing.
Moishe: "I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has still not come home."
Sergeant: "How tall is she, sir?"
Moishe: "I think she’s 5 foot something."
Sergeant: "And what about her build?"
Moishe: She's not slim, but she’s not fat either."
Sergeant: "What color are her eyes sir?"
Moishe: "Um…I can’t remember."
Sergeant: "And what about the color of her hair?"
Moishe: "It changes all the time depending on what hairdresser she goes to."
Sergeant: "What clothes was she wearing when you last saw her?"
Moishe: "I don’t know. It could have been a blue dress. Or maybe a black one. I don't remember exactly."
Sergeant: "When she left to go shopping did she go by car?"
Moishe: "Yes she did."
Sergeant: "And what is the make of the car?"
Moishe: "It's a high performance 560 HP Audi in a very special silver grey metallic paint. It has 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission and a 6.35 litre V12 engine generating at least 460 HP. It has the Z51 Super Performance Package; larger than normal alloy wheels; GT bucket seats; Satellite Navigation with world-wide coverage, and Direct Injection. It also unfortunately has a very thin scratch on the front left door. And .......... "
At this point, Moishe starts to cry.
Sergeant: "Don't worry sir.......We'll find your car."

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.

Theirs will be first on the schedule.

The older boy leans over and asks,

"What are you having done?"

The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about.

I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up,
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"

The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish man is sitting between them. The first Texan says,

"My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."

The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."

They both look down at the little old Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."

Roger looks down at him and says, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"

"Nothing," says Irving.

"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.

"Downtown Dallas ".

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the Congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"

Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."

The rabbi questioned: "Then how come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"

Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the Secret Service."

Rabbi approaches a guest in Shul and says, "I'd like to give you an Aliyah.(blessing)What is your name?"

The man answers, "Esther ben Moshe."

The Rabbi says, "No, I need YOUR name."

It's Esther ben Moshe," the man says.

"How can that be your name?" asks the Rabbi.

The man answers, "I've been having financial problems, so everything now is in my wife's name."

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long Shul service. One leaned over and whispered, "My tuchas is going to sleep. "

I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times.

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting-room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and emerged within half an hour walking completely erect, with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle. . . he gave me a longer cane."

The Italian says, "I'm thirsty. I must have wine."

The Frenchman says, "I'm thirsty. I must have cognac."

The Russian says, "I'm thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm thirsty. I must have beer."

The Mexican says, "I'm thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Jewish man says, "I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."

Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?"

"A check," replied the guide.

Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.

Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge, Mass. and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River , where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice. After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. "Well, I figured out their secret," he announces.

"What? Tell us! Tell us!" his teammates shout.

"We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row."

All of our generation were HOME SCHOOLED in many
ways.

1. My mother taught me TO
APPRECIATE A JOB WELL
DONE .
"If you're going to
kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me
RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the
carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME
TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock
you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me
LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's
why."

5. My mother taught me MORE
LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing
and break your neck, you're not going to the store with
me."

6. My mother taught me
FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case
you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me
IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry
about."

8. My mother taught me about the
science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut
your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about
CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of
your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about
STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all
that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about
WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went
through it."

12. My mother taught me about
HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million
times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE
OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take
you out.."

14.. My mother taught me about
BEHAVIOR
MODIFICATION .
"Stop
acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about
ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in
this world who don't have wonderful parents like you
do."

16. My mother taught me about
ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get
home."

17. My mother taught me about
RECEIVING .
"You are going
to get it from your father when you get
home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL
SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are
going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me
ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you
are cold?"

20. My father taught me
HUMOR.
"When that lawn
mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to
me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO
BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you
don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
up."

22. My mother taught me
GENETICS.
"You're just like your
father."

23. My mother taught me about my
ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were
born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me
WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll
understand.


25. My father taught me about
JUSTICE .


"One day
you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and asks,
in broken English with heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number
"266419".

A short time later, there's a knock at the door and, when
he opens the door he sees two beautiful and sexy girls who ask him:

Are you the guy who ordered "two shikses for one
night?"

A cabbie picks up a Nun......She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

"A Jewish guy was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. And behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 people walking in single file.

The man could not restrain his curiosity, so respectfully he approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: 'I am sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you but I’ve never seen and Italian funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife' the man replied

'What happened to her?'

'She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her'.

He inquired further 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The Italian man answered, 'My Mother in law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her'.

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

Then the Jewish man asked “Can I borrow the dog?'

The Italian man replied “Sure, get in line.”

While on vacation in Rome , I noticed a marble column in St. Peter's with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, I asked what the telephone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if I'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer.

Throughout Italy, I kept seeing the same golden telephones on marble columns. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same:

It was a direct line to heaven and I could call for a thousand dollars. Then - I continued my tour and arrived in Israel. I decided to attend temple services at a local synagogue. As I walked in the door I noticed the same golden telephone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN: 25 cents."

"Rabbi," I said, "I have just been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this telephone is only 25 cents?"

The rabbi smiled and said, "You're in Israel now...It's a local call."

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave . The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from
the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain,
Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance." "They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.
One last point: *"No Jews please."*

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers." "One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.""The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate."
"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.""Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's Doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in
Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered "There must be some mistake." "No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

Israeli Dog and Arab Dog

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would
someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their
dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath.
This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best
fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people
the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down
its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world.
They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest
Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the
best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers
in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up,
they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert
trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up
with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there
seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against
the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and
predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of
the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its
jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left
but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the
ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel
let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists
and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans,
Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing
machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish
plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."

Two Jewish women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business!

The Pope & The Rabbi

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition, but, there is one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after a new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

A new Pope's reign was shortly followed by a new Chief Rabbi. He was intrigued by this ritual and that its origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing.

When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, the Pope called him back.

"My brother," the Pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugged and replied: "We have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."

The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.

As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock —

It was a bill for the Last Supper — from "Moishe the Caterer."

One day in the Bakery...

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything!"

The Jew says to the Arab, "I am going to show you there is nobody better than a Jew." He goes to the owner and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.''

Intrigued, the owner accepts and give him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and ask for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for another one and swallows it.

The owner is starting to wonder what the magic trick is and says, "What is the trick, Where are the pastries?

The Jew answers, "Look in the Arab's pocket."

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome , Italy . One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says,"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the
Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days - Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You may have only heard of them, but don't we all miss their kind of humor? Not a single swear word in their comic routines:

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. " The drunk says,"Okay, let's get started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

*Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? " The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off

Harry Leichter's Catalog of Jewish Humor


A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man,
opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from".

She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He said, "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor..

So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much he owed.

Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no charge!

However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business!

Would you consider a partnership?"

"Certainly," replied Jesus

"Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein.

"Finkelstein & Jesus.

After all, I am the craftsman."

The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

 

 

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And, will Russia take part in it?"
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China."

Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked "General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.3 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium - asked: "Do we have enough Jews?

"Outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant.
In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm
went out to all fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer
fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president
rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the
vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give
$50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the
offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the
company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came
into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer
fire company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the
age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared
right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the
plant.

Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the
inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement and disbelief
as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire
and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never
seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over
to thank each of the brave Jewish fire fighters personally.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film,
asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Moishe Epstein, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da foist
ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweiler’s in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dog fight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Arab dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweiler’s and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked

Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours

Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for dinner?
A: They put them in the car

Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all

Q: Define "genius"
A: An average student with a Jewish mother

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat

Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman?
A: A Mercedes 550SL convertible

Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."

One of life's mysteries - how a 2 Ib. box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 lbs.

Another of life's mysteries is when a Jewish woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing; then they marry him.

NEW YIDDISH WORDS

Jewbilation
(n..) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish or that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.

Torahfied
(n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

Matzilation
(v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Bubbegum
(n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa
(n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

Deja Nu
( n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta
(n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

Hebort
(v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewdo
(n.) A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls
(n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make ..

Meinstein
- slang. "My son, the genius!"

Mishpochadots
(n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

Re-shtetlement
(n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

Rosh Hashana-na-na
( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

Yidentify
(v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even though their names might be St. John , Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.

Minyastics
(n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a Minyan.

Feelawful
(n.) Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.

Dis-kvellified
(v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

Impasta
( n.) A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

Kinders Shlep
(v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car.

Shofarsogut
(n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

Trayffic Accident
(n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork


There's a joke about a man who loses his bike outside his synagogue and goes to his rabbi for advice. "Next week come to services, sit in the front row," the rabbi tells the man, "and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behind you. When we get to 'Thou shalt not steal,' see who can't look you in the eyes. That's your guy." After the next service, the rabbi is curious to learn whether his advice panned out. "So, did it work?" he asks the man. "Like a charm," the man answers. "The moment we got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my bike."

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, “Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?”

The wise old Rabbi answers, “Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.

-------------------------------------------------------------

If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?

------------------------------------------------------------

My father says, “Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family.” I said, “Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I’m a schmuck?”

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Jewish Marriage advice: “Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?”

--------------------------------------------------------

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

---------------------------------------------------------

A Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honours its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.

She greets the Rabbi with, “Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the President of the shul arranged for you.”

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the shul and shouts, “Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this.”

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.

The Rabbi turns to her and asks, “Where are you going? I’m not angry with you.”

A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem.

Her two female parrots have picked up a bad habit. Any time she has visitors, the two parrots embarrass her by saying, in unison, "Hi ! We're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"

To her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two male parrots which he has trained to pray and who've become very observant, spending much of the day praying in their cage.

He's confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house, his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots.

The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi's house and brings her two parrots into his home. As she looks around, she notices a large cage with two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and tiny tallis and each holding a miniature siddur, while they rock back and forth in prayer.

Sure enough, as soon as she places her female parrots in the cage, they shout out to their male counterparts: "Hi! We're prostitutes. Want to have some fun ?"

One of the rabbi's parrots immediately turns to the other, squawking: "Moishe, put the fucking book down. Our prayers have been answered!"

The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebonics, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture. According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Professor Shulman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.
Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?' Shulman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You should want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."

Shulman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebonics:

Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic response: "What am I, a clock?"

Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English answer: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should be so lucky!"

Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English answer: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry?'
Business? Is there a fire?"

Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
English answer: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"

Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English answer: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds."

Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic response: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"

To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
English answer: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic response: "A year smarter you should become."

Remark: "A beautiful day."
English answer: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"

Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: "It's been a while since you called."
Hebonic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?"

Email, shmemail! Luck and happiness will or will not come to you regardless if you send it to another eight people

The Jewish Taxi Driver

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from".

She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He said, "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

Mrs. Goldberg comes to visit her son Marvin for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Marvin's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Marvin and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Marvin volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Maria came to Marvin saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son Marvin

Several days later, Marvin received a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

I don't know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low... even with the shipping from Israel ! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:

1) The 'Start' button has been replaced with a 'Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!' button.

2) You hear 'Hava Nagila' during startup.

3) The cursor moves from right to left.

4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, 'Is this the best you can do?'

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, 'If your mother knew you did this, she would die.'

6) It comes with a 'monitor cleaning solution' from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the 'schmutz und drek.'

7) When running 'Scan Disk' it prompts you with a 'You want I should fix this?' message.

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, 'Schloffen.'

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

11) Instead of getting a 'General Protection Fault' error, your PC now gets 'Ferklempt.'

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to 'Nu, so play my music already!'

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud 'Oy Gevalt!'

14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.

15) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to 'Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus.'

16) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

17) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM...

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam 's underwear!'

 

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor, I ask the cooks." He returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I check once again, Senor."

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is no Mexican Jews."

Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews."

The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE... All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews and Tomato Jews!"

ISRAELI HUMOR:

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, "What a good opportunity to have a bath!"

Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."

The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech. Israel belongs to us."

On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta , GA , a well
attired middle-aged woman found herself sitting next to a man
wearing a kippa ("yarmulka"in Yiddish).

She called the attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem, Madam?"asked the attendant.

"You've sat me next to a Jew!! I can't possibly sit next to this strange
man. Please find me another seat!"

"Madam, I will see what I can do to accommodate," the
attendant replied, "but the flight is virtually full today and I don't know
if there is another seat available."

The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man
beside her (not to mention the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later the attendant returned and said, "Madam, the economy and
club sections are full, however, we do have one seat in First class."

Before the lady had a chance to respond, the attendant continued, "It is
only on exceptions that we make this kind of upgrade,and I had to ask
permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain
felt that no one should be forced to sit next to an unpleasant person..."

The flight attendant turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her, and
said: "So if you'd like to get your things, Sir, I have a comfortable seat for
you in First class..." At this point, the surrounding passengers stood up and
gave a standing ovation while the Jewish man walked up to the front of
the plane.

The lady then said indignantly, "The Captain must have made a mistake.."
to which the attendant replied, "No Ma'am. Captain Cohen never makes a mistake!

Why Go to Synagogue?
One Saturday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for synagogue, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to synagogue:
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the rabbi!"

The Picnic A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it.
I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the synagogue. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The rabbi is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the rabbi's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said..
"Good," he answered.

Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?"

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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f****** wall."

Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife
Has been unfaithful during his time away.
Who was it!!!???" he yells. "That alter kakker Goldstein?"
"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."
"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"
"No, not him."
Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"
No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."
Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my
Friends are good enough for you?"

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami .
The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most
of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat
diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term caused
by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all
have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the
front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a
waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent
over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came,
she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half
an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the
Little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now
you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . he gave me a longer cane."

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out
Jack's Last Will and Testament. "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the
house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus, the Jaguar and my business.
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is
better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."

Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to
cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation
was and maybe even apologize.
"Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for dinner?"
"What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you
said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner??
Poison, that's what I'm making, poison."
Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm not coming
home."

Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney.
" Sidney , you've been so good to me all these years. I know you never
Even thought about another woman. But now that I'm going, I want you to
marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new
wife all my expensive clothes."
"I can't do that, darling," Sidney said. "You're a size 16 and she's
Only a 10."

A guest, staying in a Catskills hotel called room service for some
pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilet pepper!"


One Rosh Hashanah morning, the Rabbi noticed little Adam
Was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the
Synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were
mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so
The Rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning,
Adam." "Good morning, Rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on
The plaque. "Rabbi Resnick, what is this?" Adam asked.
"Well, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the
service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Adam's voice was barely audible when he asked:
"Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur service?"

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she
unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns
around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right
behind her and he's good looking as well..

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good
day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow
missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam . if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to shit when I tell you the price ."

For 30 years every day old Moishe ate at "Abe's Kosher Delicatessen". Old Moishe was an honoured guest and had his own reserved stool at the counter. He was loved by everyone and was generous to all the servers and staff. Abe, the owner loved Moishe too. One day Moishe didn't show at his regular time. Abe was worried a bit as he realized Old Moishe was a widower and lived alone but then got busy and forgot about Moishe's absence.

The next day...no Moishe....now Abe was worried... he phoned Moishe's number and got no answer. He even called a few local hospitals and even called Moishe's daughter in Israel to no avail. Abe couldn't sleep that night wondering what had happened. Next day again no Moishe!

Now Abe was really concerned and just as he was about to call the cops and 911 he glanced out the window and saw Moishe going into "Goldberg's Deli" across the street. Abe took off out the door and raced across the street narrowly missing getting hit by a bus and confronted Moishe just as he was sitting down. Abe screamed, "where the hell have you been! I lost sleep and spent good money phoning around about you and what are you doing here at Goldberg's.....you know he's my worst enemy! Explain to me Moishe!!!!!"

Moishe looked at Abe and said calmly, "settle down Abraham, settle down, you'll be having a heart attack. I'll be telling you what happened okay. I went to the dentist 3 days ago and had one of those root canals. Oy the pain!

The dentist gave me some pills and said:

'Moishe, for a few days eat on the other side'".

Morris (the father) says to his son: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice." His son immediately replies: "I will choose my own bride, father." Morris sighs: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter." The son thinks about this only for a split second -then answers: "Well, in that case, yes! OK Dad."

Morris then approaches Bill Gates and says: "I have a husband for your lovely daughter." Bill Gates quickly answers: "No chance! My daughter is too young to get married!" Morris says: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates thinks for a while then answers: "Ah well, in that case, yes, that'll be OK with me."

Finally Morris goes to see the president of the World Bank. Morris smiles and says: "I have a young man to recommend as a vice-president." The president hurriedly answers: "Not interested, I already have more vice-presidents than I need." Morris continues smiling: "But . . . this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law." A few seconds pass then the World Bank President answers: "Ah that's interesting, Hmmm .... in that case, well yes, he can start tomorrow."

. .. . .And that is how successful Jews do business.

THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead; fall back - winters in Boca.
14. WASP's leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida


SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS
1. Under same management for over 5763 years.
2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University : "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."


More Jewish Stuff
1. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
2. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
3. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?" Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
4. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a living.”
5. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter.
6. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy" The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
7. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything alright?

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE

The Italian - throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.

The German - carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.

The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian - Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian.---

 

So a man goes to the rabbi and says, "I think my wife is trying to poison me."

The Rabbi says,"Let me talk to her."

The next day he goes back to the Rabbi.

The man says, "So new"

The Rabbi replies, " I spoke to her for 3 hours, Take the poison!"

 

The Shapiro's, a Jewish couple living in New England, won twenty million dollars in the Lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in The Hamptons and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler.

They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to New Years brunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.

When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.

The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes".

 

The old Jewish Catskill comics of vaudeville days, (e.g., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others) never uttered one single swear word in their comedy. Some samples:

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic asks, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the e doctor gave him another six months.

The doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

 

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 until payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that "Won Ton" spelled backward is "NOT NOW".

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdales.

A man called his mother in Florida: "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.